A list of ten things all men need to know about Irish women.
The old saying women are from Venus and men are from Mars really does seem like the absolute truth sometimes. Understanding one another can be a serious chore, especially when your man makes no sense half the time. One thing men fail to realise is that women don’t need them as much as they think we do, most of the time we are just humouring them, or else we are horny. Of course, we do all love our men but it is just hard to fathom how we are from the same planet, let alone the same country or town. Men also think that we are the ones with the problem, but funnily enough they don’t take time to figure out what our problem is. So before I go on a male bashing spree, feeling only a little negative about men following a dramatic weekend, here are ten things men need to know about Irish women.
10. Talking about your ex, or any other girl, is not OK. While we may smile through it, we are bored out of our minds. We really just want to talk about ourselves and maybe you, a little. We like to drink wine, eat pizza and have a good natter, so don’t ruin it by talking about stuff we really don’t need to know.
9. Bitches be crazy, so don’t wind us up because you think it is cute or funny. It really isn’t and could be detrimental to your health.
8. We love being comfy; slippers, tracksuit bottoms and hair tied up. If you are with a girl for any length of time you need to expect that the sky scraper heels and perfectly done make-up will come off, replaced with a face mask and a pair of Asics. We apologise if this frightens you but get real. Once we have heard you fart for the first time all bets are off.
7. We will fight for you, so don’t mess around with any other girl. If a hot girl eyes you up in a night club, you better hope she is actually your girlfriend because if your real girlfriend sees this carry on there will be hell to pay, by both of you.
6. The phrase “no, I’m fine” is a dangerous thing. No matter how much we say we are fine, we are not. Don’t think that everything is alright and you have been given the green card. Realistically, you should be running to the nearest shop. Also, depending on the level of the argument, it may not be a good idea to get chocolate, we will just think you are calling us fat. Don’t rock the boat. Jewelry is always accepted.
5. Despite all the hard talk, really we are lovable creatures who just want to be loved in return. Not too many girls expect you to flash the cash. Most of us just want you to be brave enough to hold our hand in public and brag about us to your mates. If you make an Irish girl feel loved and win the respect of her friends you will be classed a hero. Just don’t stand outside our window at night serenading us because then you will be classed as a freaky stalker.
4. Our dads and big brothers are important to us and we are even more so to them. If you hurt an Irish girl expect the full wrath of the family upon you. If you win over the men in her life you will also gain some quality man time when your at her house. If they think you are sound, well then, you’re sound. She will pretend to hate it but be secretly thrilled.
3. Don’t try and sweet talk us, we can smell a rat and someone who is only out for what they can get. If you are straight with us we will fall straight for you. Overloading us with gifts and texts will freak us out, we like the bad guy, just not mean guys. Play it cool but let us know you are interested and you will win us over. We love the attention, just not too much of it.
2. Dating politics: If you ask us out on a date, you need to text us the night before and probably again that day just to make sure we are still interested. None of this text on Sunday to meet on Thursday, see you then, business because she probably won’t show up. Why is that? Because you have just given the impression it is all a big joke and you won’t show up anyway so we are then afraid to. Confused? Of course you are, we’re girls.
1. We are Irish girls, we are pale, round in the wrong places and more than a little self-conscious about it. All this fake tan, fake nails and gym business is for you lads to take notice. It is torture and most of the time we don’t want to do it. If you say we look beautiful, please mean it and don’t just say it to hurry us up. A little reassurance from you will make our day and probably your night.
All Irish girls want is a cuppa tea, a kiss on the cheek and a cuddle. We love our home comforts and we love to feel loved. We don’t want to go play pool with you and your friends. We want to feel special. We don’t want to play games of any kind that involve other boys, a pub or a computer game, we can do that with our own lad mates. We are strong and independent women who would like a little looking after sometimes. We are just as able for the pints as you all are so don’t think we can’t handle the pace, we are more than happy to go out on the piss with you so don’t leave us at home sulking. Most of all Irish girls just hope to jaysus we get on with your mammy, so probably best not to bitch about us to her.