After the last post, “that’s the thing about depression” I was pretty overwhelmed and humbled over the amount of messages and support I got. Over 700 people read the post which was really stunning.
This week was really hard for me, my old friend depression was creeping its ugly head back around. After a series of unfortunate events which ended in a German bank machine eating my card I cracked. You see, something so small which would usually be a laughable affair was like a mountain crashing down on me…why…well that’s the thing about depression!!
So after sitting in my room sobbing hysterically for two hours over a missing bank card, I calmed myself, I gathered myself and I searched for some positivity, because that’s what I do. I searched inside and decided, right, I need a focus, a charity event, to stop feeling so bloody self-pitying and do something to help others. That’s where my passion lies, helping others. It makes my heart burst. It makes me smile.
Just at that moment I received a mail from someone I would know to an extent but we wouldn’t be close friends. She thanked me for my last blog post and said that all my Facebook posts make her smile, that I’m an inspiration and that I probably help many others not just her…funnily she wasn’t the first or even the second person to say this.
So wiping back the snot, droll and tears I replied in my usual self-deprecating manner, “I’m just goofing around”, “I’m just honest, nothing special”.
Honestly, being positive or at least pretending to the rest of the world that I am keeps me going. I’m just me, that’s all I can be. So in my desperately giddy, hyper days I’m the best I can be. In my desperately, desperate bad moments I feel trapped in an unending spiral of emotion that I just cannot climb back out of. But I do, because I have to.
I went to a retreat in the Burren this year and it thought me a lot. It thought me how to calm my emotions, how to let things go and how to just be. I thought myself how to pull myself out of the darkness. I’ve spent years struggling and not to get overly religious because it’s personal to me and not everyones thing but when I found God I really felt elated. It helps me get by anyway, but I’m not here to preach.
I don’t know what people think of me or my zany posts. Half the time I just say what’s on my mind and never really think about it. Apparently people find it amusing. I’ve also been un-friended over my Facebook posts. That’s ok with me. I see Facebook as a way of connecting. Whether that’s right or wrong I don’t know, but it helps me when I’m down because I get so much love and support. And so to the point of this post.
I don’t know why people keep contacting me saying I’m an inspiration. I’m not out saving lives or doing anything worthwhile, or so I feel. To be honest I feel so bad about myself most of the time over stuff I should be proud of. I did a Masters because I was so annoyed over my Honours degree result. This week I got 68.5 in my masters result, 1% off a first class honours and I feel so bad about it I’m considering doing a PhD, as if over achieving will make my total and complete lack of self-confidence go away. A PhD won’t help, but maybe something else will.
I got diagnosed with a blood disease a few weeks after I moved to Germany and it made it that bit more devastating because I was away from home. I have since realised it’s not terminal and I need to get over myself and get on with things. That’s also how I feel about depression and this reign of self-doubt and insecurity. It needs to stop.
Trust me, I know the deepest depths of the darkest pit any of you who have suffered with it have been to but it needs to stop, for all of you! Even if you haven’t and you’ve just had a crap day, it’s still not a nice feeling. Apart from a few hiccups here and there, I’m doing ok. I have my days, it’s human nature. Unfortunately my bad days are too the extreme but that’s something to work on.
And so, to the end of another rambling rant. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who liked, shared and commented on the last post. It has spurred on this post and the thought that I want to do something about it. Not just for me but for all of you who felt moved by what I said. For those of you who felt that just by me being honest I helped you feel better. It was an uncomfortable thing for me to do but now that I know it has helped and some of you not feel as as alone it was worth it…
So here’s the thing…what to do. I want to push myself beyond my comfort zone. I want to do a charity event to raise money for mental health awareness but more so for all of you too. So here it is. WE pick an event together. My first preference would be Longford Full Marathon 2015 because it’s my home and it’s where my heart is. I will document each stage of the training and progress and want to share each step (literally) of the struggle. I will be open an honest in every way as I battled this stupid disease, my thyroid problems which cause exhaustion and my highs and lows.
I also want to challenge you!! If you ever felt down, anxious, afraid, pissed off or even just want to show solidarity to those who have, then join me. You don’t have to run Longford Full Marathon of you don’t want to, but join me on the day! Maybe you will run the half or maybe you’ll just run a bit of the way with me but whatever the distance we’ll all do it together. Maybe you don’t want to run with me at all and you want to throw an egg at me, well please do (but at least wait until I cross the finish line). Challenge YOURSELVES. Beat the sadness, beat the fear and as my beautiful cousin (who is a real inspiration by the way) would say JUST DO IT.
Let’s do it together.
Sorry if there is a lot of spelling mistakes here my eyes are sore from crying.
And thank you to all of you for being MY inspiration. I take strength from each of you every day.
If you want to join this mental challenge that I just came up with this second please get in touch….we’ll even get t-shirts!!